Making My Case for the VP

In case McCain decides to dump Palin in the future, I thought it would be beneficial to lay out my case for the VP slot. I would surely consider taking over for her and think I can match her experience note for note.

Here we go:

• I currently live 15 minutes from the Canadian border and have for more than 25 years, which means I have extensive foreign policy experience. I’ve even been to Canada – many times! (even the other end – Vancouver!)
• I was a patrol leader (and later SENIOR patrol leader) in Boy Scouts (I led 10 boys!). Some highlights:
  1. I’ve been to many leadership camps and learned real leadership skills
  2. On one extended camping trip, one of our scouts (not in my patrol) went bat-shit crazy and wielded a knife. (a terrorist!) I made an executive decision to lead my patrol to safety by whisking them away from the danger by ship (canoe) to another island. So I have experience dealing with terrorists, executive experience AND naval experience.)
  3. I led my patrol (sans adult supervision) on a week long trip in Washington, DC at age 12. So I have experience dealing with Washington AND imagine how much better I’d be at it after 20 years!
• I am a devout family man, with three girls under 2. McCain, that will for sure win the women vote. I mean women LOVE seeing a dad with three little girls – especially when he loves and cares for them so much. It’s SO cute. AND from my experience, people definitely think that having 3 kids under 2 is a LOT of work, so everyone will know I can handle the VP job.
• Unlike your current partner, I’ve NEVER accepted earmark money. NEVER raised taxes, either.
• At my acceptance speech, I can be condescending, sarcastic and overtly mean in my criticism of our opponents, so you’ll lose nothing there. It will certainly rally the base!
• I was an altar boy for like a bazillion years, so you know I have my values in place.
• I was an honor student for my entire school life. Was a part of Honor Society AND the Gifted and Talented program. So you know I can hang with those smart, elitist libruls.
• Unlike yourself or really even your current VP, I am as blue collar as they come. Never been rich (and probably never will be) or even made over $100k in a year. I own only one house and have experience creating and managing strict budgets.
• I was a world class bocce player in 6th grade. I won the championship at my elementary school. I took first place in numerous events on the JV track team. Athletic too? Yup, I’m for real.
• No scandals. Nope, never fired an in-law. Daughters aren’t pregnant and won’t be for our ENTIRE 12 year run (4 for you and 8 more for me.) Never tried to ban books in the local library (even worked at a library!) Didn’t leave my hometown riddled with debt after I left. Never thought about trying to get New York (yes, I live in NY – imagine if you could turn NY red? I can help!) to secede from the U.S.. And like selecting your current partner, there is no need to go through an extensive vetting process. I am even less known than your current partner AND you’ll find no news stories tucked away in The Google.
• My wife is a great teacher. How heart warming is that? I mean she has passed up the chance to make the big bucks in the private sector to serve the public AND our children. Not to mention she once was a DIRECTOR at the Boys and Girls Club. That means leadership, executive skills and being a role model. She’d certainly be an asset to our administration. AND like your current, temporary choice, my significant other is on leave from work. Sacrificing for our family.
• I wrote this all myself. No speechwriters needed and you don’t need to spell words like nuclear just like they sound, when it’s time for me to read them off a teleprompter.
• And finally, I am a MAVERICK. Ask anyone at my current employer. I’m not afraid to take an unpopular position or say what needs to be said. I pull NO punches!

McCain, hear me out! I think I can do it and I could probably find a few dozen people to back me up when you select me. I can learn on the job (from the master!) and surely be ready on Day One. I’m sure you’d agree, this is an impressive resume.

America first!

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Related posts:

1. Palin Part 3
2. McCain wins debate!
3. More on Palin
4. "This election is not about issues…"
5. Quote of last night

Tags: 2008, election, humor, mccain, VP

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 4th, 2008 at 9:01 am and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.